ILS-society

So, you think you have the situation under control with your teenager at home. Like every other “desi” parent, you’ve probably made sure your child has taken enough AP (advanced placement) classes in high school, loaded your teen with music or dance lessons that will look good on college resumes, and spent all your spare time driving them back and forth from games, speech contests and dance competitions. No doubt, it’s sheer altruism on your part that you want your child to excel in life. But admit it – somewhere in the recesses of your mind, you believe that if you pack their schedule airtight, they won’t have time for any hanky-panky. No spare time for wayward sexual thoughts, let alone explicit sexual behavior. You’ve probably also made your bottom line clear: preserve the genetic pool we come from that celebrates celibacy until marriage. Pre-marital sex is taboo. And sex at the high school level? Let’s not even go there.

If any of this even mildly reflects your parental ideology, here’s a rude reality check: Indian American teens today are probably as sexually active as their American counterparts. The only difference is that their sexuality is expressed in the cloak of such secrecy that would make even the CIA proud. Welcome to your teenager’s world of lies, deception and, yes, brace yourselves – high school sex.

Over the years, numerous reports have been released chronicling the sexual behavior of American teens. According to these studies, nothing is off limits; the high school years have become a period of sexual experimentation. Race and religious upbringing are flimsy obstacles in the face of raging hormones. But there are no statistical studies on this subject that are specific to the Indian American community. So, for this article, Indian Life & Style spoke to a number of second-generation Indian American high school and college students to gain some perspective of what happens beyond the parental purview and why.

Priya (the names of most of the high school students have been changed upon request) is a senior at one of the topnotch high schools in Cupertino, California. “My parents would be disgusted if they knew what actually happens at my high school,” shrugs Priya. “For my last birthday, one of my friends gave me a gift which I happened to open in front of my mother. I had no idea what was inside. When I opened it, I found a thong. And when my mother saw it, she began to freak out. I had to convince her saying that it was just a prank, and that I would never ever wear it,” she smiles, rolling her eyes.

“I come from that kind of background. According to them, I’m not supposed to date ‘till I’m 30, so there’s no way I can tell them the truth and they can digest it,” she adds, laughing.

Priya says that like many other Indian American students, she too has perfected the art of “role play”: “At home I’m the perfect daughter. I maintain my grades. Do all the chores I’m supposed to at home. I’m a good classical singer. Pray and do all my religious duties at the appropriate time. But outside home, I’m a totally different person,” she points out nonchalantly.

Though Priya would not reveal if she is sexually active herself, she is willing to comment that her close friends at school are. “One of my friends told me that she was so stressed out before one of her exams. So she had sex with her boyfriend and said she was able to focus better after that. Though I don’t buy the theory myself, it just goes to show that having sex is common among Indian kids,” says Priya.

Vivek is also a senior, at one of the highly rated public high schools in Fremont, California. “My school has a very high percentage of Indian students and so the situation here is very unique,” he points out. “It is not as if students here are not sexually active. It’s just that more relationships are kept secret because the Indian community is very close knit. Almost all parents know each other and if someone gets wind of what you are up to, the news invariably reaches the parents.”

But this does not in any way suggest that all Indian American teens are sexually active. Ramya Vaidyanatha is a senior at Evergreen Valley High School in San Jose, California. “Usually, in high schools, you’ll find students in groups: Athletes, cheerleaders, nerds, and the in-betweens,” she explains. “Many Indian students fall in the ‘in between’ category. Of course, there are kids you suspect having affairs. But one never knows for sure. I personally believe in waiting for the right person and until marriage,” she adds.

Many of the students point out that as long as they meet academic expectations, it is easy to deceive their parents regarding their sexual explorations. Vikrum Aiyer is a second year political science student at UC Berkeley and says he has seen the evolution of teen sexuality from high school campuses to college portals. “In high school, most of the students have cell phones and they can call each other all the time. On a Saturday night, they might tell their parents that they want to study with other kids, and these group study sessions can turn sexual. But once in college, things relax a bit,” he points out.

Rohan is another top-performing high school senior who agrees with Aiyer’s point of view. “Desi sexuality at the high school level is most likely to occur on nights when there is an ‘open house’,” which, he explains, is when a set of parents is out of town and the teens have the house to themselves.

But Nandita, another 12th grader, dismisses the need for such an elaborate set-up for high school students to get sexual. “One of my Indian friends had sex when we were just in the 10th grade. And you don’t need a house for that,” she adds with a wry smile. Nandita points out that many of her friends indulge in some form of sexual activity while sitting in the car in front of their homes after a date.

According to this teen, who is on her way to UCLA this fall, her parents are more liberal that other Indian parents. “It’s OK for me to come back home at 3 in the morning after a party. And they are alright as long as I hang around with a bunch of friends and not just one guy. I guess this is because I have an older sister and she broke the ice for me. But all this will work only if I maintain a high academic score,” she adds.

Nandita says she has attended a few “desi parties” while tagging along with her older sister. “You will find a lot of Indian students getting drunk and many doing a ‘freak dance’. This is a sexually provocative kind of dance,” she explains.

The root cause for the continuing deception on the part of these teens lies in the conflict of values between them and their parents. Most immigrant parents believe in passing on long-held Indian societal values to their children. Mahesh Nihalani and his family moved to the U.S. nine years ago: “My children were just nine and seven at that time. They had lived a part of their lives in India. Now one is a high school senior and the other is a freshman.”

Nihalani says he tries to have an open and friendly relationship with his boys so they can come to him any time. “But I have made it clear to them that I don’t approve of pre-marital sex. Sex is something sacred and has to be preserved with the person who will be a partner in your life,” says Nihalani.

Uma Hiramath is a mother of two daughters living in New Jersey. Though her daughters are just 12 and nine-and-a-half, just a year and a few more shy of hitting their teens, she’s already bracing for that period. “I hope it never comes to a point where I have to put it in clear terms to them about what and what not to do. I hope they imbibe the values we have taught and practiced over the years to know our expectations,” says Hiramath.

“I will not be okay with pre-marital sex. But hoping that I’ll be realistic enough to accept that it might or probably will happen,” she adds with a sigh.

But these parents’ points of view do not resonate with a majority of the teens interviewed. “Preaching abstinence to your children is not gonna work at this time and age,” points out Dhruv. “Everywhere you turn there is sex. It’s no big deal anymore. But I don’t tell my parents any of this because it will just complicate matters,” he says, as if trying to explain the obvious.

From music videos to even supposedly family and comedy shows, young people are portrayed on television these days as having relationships outside marriage. According to one mass media survey, 75 percent of prime time television in the 1999-2000 season included sexual content. And 23 percent of couples in scenes where they are having sex appeared to be between the ages 18-24.

While the media has always targeted the young, another study by the Parents Television Council found that 66 percent of children surveyed between the ages 10 to16 say their peers are influenced by television shows.

Though most of the students this reporter spoke to do not admit that peer pressure is a huge factor, some of the boys admitted that being sexually active, or at least being labeled as one, elevates their manhood. “Though nobody talks about it, it is understood that if you are still a virgin it’s not so cool,” says Dhruv. “You’ll find Caucasian boys talking about their sexual exploits at school. So I’ve seen a few Indian boys claiming the same – whether it’s true or not, I do not know. And many times they would claim something like that with a Caucasian girl, because Indian girls are more scared of the labeling,” he adds.

For the girls, it is the reverse psychology that applies – no point in flaunting their sexuality when the repercussions can be far different than what their male counterparts would face. Like any other conservative society, Indian parents try to exert a tighter leash on their daughters, and the fear of being fodder for community gossip always lingers. “If a couple is dancing provocatively on the dance floor at a party, the girl would immediately be called names and labeled,” says Aiyer. “And this is not done by the parents, but by other Indian girls there. So most Indian girls try to keep whatever they do a secret, even from their friends,” he adds.

Dr. Sunaina Maira is an associate professor of sociology at UC Davis. In 2002 she published a book titled, “Desis in the House: Indian American Youth Culture in New York City,” an extensive study of the sexual behavior of undergraduate students in New York.

Maira points out that the conflict over a child’s sexuality in many cases drives a deep wedge between the parents and their youngsters without a chance for reconciliation.

“During the course of the study, I found that students had a lot of anxiety about their sexuality,” she says. “Growing up surrounded by Caucasian students who are more open about their sexuality and, on the other side, parents who don’t want you to be sexually active, causes conflicting emotions and creates doubts about their own sexual capabilities.”

Maira also points out that many parents who immigrated to the U.S. 30-40 years ago seem to be caught in a time warp. “These parents believe that, culturally, India is still stuck in the ’60s and ’70s and expect the same thing from their children. What they don’t understand is Indian culture has changed quite a bit, and at least in urban societies, it is a very modern culture – sometimes similar to the west. And parents need to adjust their expectations,” she adds.

The professor also explains that the more recent immigrant parents already have their anxieties about the new culture they have entered, and use sexuality as a way of making their child cling on to Indian values.

Jaskiran Mathur is a sociologist and mother of two teenage boys living in Brooklyn, New York. She says she doesn’t think it’s a great idea to plug in her agenda when it comes to her sons’ sexual behavior. “Growing up in a family of sisters, my boys are an eternal mystery to me. Boys per se do not communicate too much. And I presume that my sons, growing up in a society where people don’t make a song and dance of sex, will indulge in it. So the one thing that I constantly tell my sons is that they must have respect for the girl they want to have a relationship with. What I’m against is casual sex.”

Mathur also suggests that parents need to “get off their moral high-horse because it is not the end of the world anyway.”

But then, again, every family is unique, and the values and beliefs that come along with each are as individualistic as they can get. But that does not stop Priya from wanting to get away from home. “I’m sooooo looking forward to going to college this September. I can’t wait to have my own place, my own rules, and live life the way I want to. Then I can stop pretending at last,” she says.

“One of my Indian friends had sex when we were just in the 10th grade. And you don’t need a house for that,” she adds with a wry smile. Nandita points out that many of her friends indulge in some form of sexual activity while sitting in the car in front of their homes after a date.

Indian American teens are not immune to the prevailing environment in schools. But given the fact that they live in a close knit community, most sexually active kids are secretive.

“Everywhere you turn there is sex. It’s no big deal anymore. But I don’t tell my parents any of this because it will just complicate matters,” he says, as if trying to explain the obvious.

The conflicting values of the parents and children is the most important reason behind the teenagers’ “deception” concerning their sexual proclivities.

“These parents believe that, culturally, India is still stuck in the ’60s and ’70s and expect the same thing from their children. What they don’t understand is Indian culture has changed quite a bit, and at least in urban societies, it is a very modern culture – sometimes similar to the west. And parents need to adjust their expectations.”

Some parents acknowledge that they should get off their moral high-horse “because it is not the end of the world anyway.”